My 20s have been a long one. My college years were focused on serving God more than my college classes or finding a husband. The last two years of my college career were spent with the reality that I HAD TO GRADUATE. I finally took two summers of summer classes so I could graduate, and even then I didn't get to graduate as an education major. I ended up finishing with my degree in Intercultural Studies, and to pursue my teaching certification after graduation.
At age 25, I finally reached the milestone as a college graduate. I taught English in China that summer after graduation, but I returned home to no clear direction. I am very grateful that my parents let me come home, and I had a job at the early childhood center that I worked at in college. Despite my 5 years in college, I still had so much growing up to do. On top of that, I was now facing the fear I didn't have while in college... will I end up single and alone? That's a real fear I didn't think I'd have, but once you leave the safety and structure of college, the reality of the world becomes scarier.
I worked 2 part-time jobs for 2 and a half years post-graduation, and I cherished that season because I got plenty of family time and growing pains I didn't know I needed. However, I was always discontented for something more. Fast forward to 2019 when I was hired to be a first grade teacher, where more growing pains awaited for me, and a pandemic. But the fear of being alone forever was still looming over me like a big black storm cloud in my heart, and I wasn't surrendering it to the Lord. I wasn't surrendering it because honestly, I was afraid to. I still am most days. It's a daily battle I need to surrender, and most days I don't want to. Thank goodness for God's abundant mercy and grace.
I realized within the last year and a half that I was never afraid to say yes to God in college because my yes' were always short-term discomfort. Once God brought the possibility of permanent discomfort, I shrunk back. I didn't want to surrender. "Why would God do that?" was my thought. I was having trouble believing what I already knew... that God's ways are always good even when they are not my plans. So difficult to say that--or type that. But I'm being real because somehow I don't think I'm alone in these thoughts and fears.
I don't have it all figured it out yet, and I'm still learning to trust God more as an adult every day. But I am confident now that my life as a Christian has not ever been based on what I do for God. I never have or had to be perfect. That's the work of the Holy Spirit as I walk with Him. I'll have times of joy, times of sorrow, times to tear, and times to sew. But God is in every single one of those times. Searching for God's will for my life is simply being where I can serve and love Him and the people around me. My 20s may look different to what society, or what my 13 year old self thinks it should have been, but I can look back and see exactly where God was even in the mistakes. God never left and He never will.
God uses restlessness to awaken our hearts for the higher purpose and calling He's prepared us for.
I may not meet my husband in my 20s. God is preparing us separately and clarifying our calling so we will be ready for when we meet. Or maybe God doesn't have a plan for me to be married. Either way, I will strive to be in God's will in the place he has for me.
"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the works of your hands."
-Psalms 138:8
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